Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Still Quiet of A Dark Room.

Tonight, as I tucked my little bunny into bed, I kissed her forehead and placed my hand briefly on her chest as I always do.

And suddenly... there, in the still quiet of the dark room, I felt her heartbeat - steady and strong... boop boop boop boop - and tears came into my eyes.

In that moment, I flashed back to all the times before she came into my life when I had seen (or heard) her heartbeat and wondered what it would be like when I could finally hold her in my arms.

I remembered the day I discovered I was pregnant. How I jumped for joy when I saw two lines appear on a pregnancy test I was so sure would turn up negative! How I ran and leaped on my husband as I frantically waved the proof in front of his bewildered and tear-streaked face.

The test I took on a pure whim. Because of my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), we were due to go on fertility treatment and never once thought suspected I might be pregnant.

I remembered the day I first saw her on Dr Alex's ultrasound. She was really just a blob on the screen but I already felt so much love for this being Allah had chosen to bless us with.

 Zara at 6 weeks

I remembered the day I first saw her heartbeat register on Dr Alex's fancy machine. They were just a bunch of fuzzy lines, but to me, after having miscarried once before, those lines represented hope... hope that this time, my peanut would be something so much more.

 A heartbeat! - Zara at about 8 weeks

I remembered the day I found she had grown from a peanut into the beginnings of what finally looked like a tiny human being. And when I read that at that age, she was only about 3cm long, it dawned on me just how fragile she was, and how I would spend the rest of my life protecting her from the badness of the world.

  Zara at 9 weeks

I remembered the day we ooh-ed and aah-ed when she pulled her unborn hand up to cradle her face, the way she still does now when she's asleep.

Zara at 11 weeks

I remembered the day I caught a fleeting glimpse of her little hand, and counted five perfect fingers, right before she curled them into a fist and turned away from the attention. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to someday be able to hold that hand - the way I do now when she wants comfort in her carseat.

Five perfect little fingers - Zara at 13 weeks

Hello Mummy! Cant wait to meet you!

I remembered the day our cheeky girl first winked at us with what we knew would be large beautiful eyes.

*Wink wink* - Zara at 33 weeks.

I remembered the day I waited 20 long, agonising hours to deliver her, when the best comfort I had was the strong steady sound of her heartbeat, amplified for all to hear, cheering me on, lightening my load and easing my pain.

Minutes before Zara was born...

Til today, it still has that effect on me, in the still quiet dark of the room. 

I remembered the minute, the exact second she was born, and looked straight into my eyes. She looked as if she loved me already, as I had known already, what seems so long ago, that I loved her.

In the darkness, I spared a minute to mourn for the two peanuts I had lost more than a year ago, and thanked Allah for Zara, for her strong steady heartbeat, and for how that gives my heart a reason to go on beating too.

My little peanuts, who never made it past 3 months.


  1. Reading this has really touch my heart and loving proud mother you are. You are blessed indeed.

    I sometimes take for granted in life and from readin this from you, I now know how much my mother loves me even though she gets on my nerves.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. You made me tear, Sheahnee.

    Thanks for this heartfelt post.

  3. Tammy and Heather: I was quite emo last night too :) I guess babies can be quite inspiring! Thanks so much for your comments :)